


The Grieving Girl

by livhasnolife



Series: space sibs [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Like very briefly - Freeform, This is how I vent, con and ev are friends but it's only briefly mentioned, i just want the murphy siblings to get along
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 13:29:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11898738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livhasnolife/pseuds/livhasnolife
Summary: Just because Zoe is used to yelling doesn't mean she doesn't still hate it. She feels it in her heart; it feels like she's drowning, but maybe even through their broken relationship Connor can still pull her safely out of the water, even just for a bit.





	The Grieving Girl

**Author's Note:**

> hey there, demons, it's me, ya girl, here to project her gay sadness
> 
> this is my first deh fic which honestly i was planning my first deh fic to just be like. fluffy and nice but stuff happens and i got sad so this came out instead

Zoe still hates yelling even after growing up with it basically her whole life.

You would think, after all these years, she'd be desensitized to it, right? After witnessing the fights first hand, after being involved in one with Connor basically every day before school up until recently where they're just stiff around each other, after hearing her parents deck it out in screaming matches since she was 5. Unfortunately, she still isn't.

Usually she just sticks in her headphones, turns the music all the way up, and drowns in it. She tries to make everything else disappear, but today, her phone decides it's the _best fucking time_ to die. She shouldn't really be surprised, because she already knows life hates her, but it just feels so unfair.

She can't hear much, the word "divorce" is tossed around a few times and she curls into herself even further, resting against the end of her bed with her knees tucked tightly to her chest. She's stopped crying every time her parents fight, it just wasn't worth her tears. It happens too often to cry every single time.

That doesn't mean her eyes don't sting and burn, even when tearless. She can hear mumbling from Connor's room- it sounds like he's talking to someone which, okay, that's new. Connor doesn't really have friends. 

Zoe feels so alone. It's not that she doesn't have friends, either. It's just more like- she has school friends, she sits at a table full of people at lunch, she's asked to be partners by people in all of her classes, people laugh at her and congratulate her in jazz band, she's invited to parties, she's not _lonely_ because that would be ridiculous with everything she has. But, it would be nice to have someone outside of school to talk to. Someone who _cared_ enough to be there that she could count on or be on the phone with when her parents get like this. She doesn't have many close friends, she guesses. The murmuring from Connor's room seems more prominent all of the sudden.

She felt like she was flickering out a little more every time her family started fighting, started tearing each other up like wolves and _goddammit why won't her phone charge faster._

The screaming gets louder, Zoe's mind gets tired of trying to block it out, Connor's still mumbling and everything is too loud _too loud **tooloudtooloudtooloudtooloud**_

And then everything's quiet.

Just for a moment, at least, and she feels so much calmer again. Zoe doesn't realize it was because she was screaming as loud as she could with her hands pressed to her ears until it's over. Her parents are eerily quiet, and she chokes back more tears which makes her realize, oh, she's crying. Not just normally either, instead big, ugly, hot tears trail down her face. The dam broke. _She_ broke. 

Connor bursts into her room about 2 seconds later with his phone in his hand, "What the fuck," It starts out angry on the first two words, but he trails off in a way that lacks any aggression. He lifts his phone again, "I'm gonna have to call you back, Ev." 

Zoe watches him hang up, and if she didn't know better, she'd think there was concern in his expression as his gaze flits over her face. After a few awkward seconds Zoe remembers she's crying and ferociously scrubs her eyes until they're even redder than before. "S-Sorry, oh man, I probably seem like a freak, it kinda just came out and--" she realizes she's talking too fast and _too loud_ but she can't stop talking because she can't let her family see her vulnerable, especially Connor. She can't handle any more yelling. She's cut off by Connor's hand on her shoulder and _what the fuck,_ is he trying to comfort her?

She looks up from the heels of her hands to find him bent down in front of her so that way he matches her height. He looks so uncomfortable; Zoe would laugh if her throat wasn't burning so much. He gives her a watery smile which looks extremely unnatural on his face, "Listen, that was really weird and I can't argue with you about seeming like a freak, but at least you got what you were aiming for, right?"

"What do you mean?" She blurts defensively. She doesn't mean her voice to come out so sharp but there's a connection that's been broken here and Zoe is full of distrust.

"You got mom and dad to shut the fuck up." He says plainly, accompanied with a shrug. Zoe listens for a moment, and he's right, they're still silent. The tears come back full force, and she's sobbing and laughing at the same time, and she doesn't even notice at first that Connor's holding her and it's this terribly strained position but that just makes Zoe laugh harder and by chain effect, weep harder and she's clutching his shirt like a lifeline, snotty and gross but he simply pats her back. A well intentioned gesture, even if it's filled with discomfort because Connor doesn't really know how to do the comforting big brother thing.

After about a half an hour,- when Zoe's sobs die down and her throat hurts like hell, -she breaks away from Connor. "God, I'm so- I'm so sorry, geez, I just snotted all over you, we haven't even had a full conversation in months and I just pull you into nonconsensual snotting--" Connor laughs at this, and it isn't harsh or humorless or _empty_ like Zoe's used to. It's not like, unbridled joy either, but he's laughing like a normal person because he genuinely found it funny, and Zoe's laughing too before she knows it.

He gives her a light punch on the arm, "I promise the snotting was nothing but consensual," her brother deadpans before snickering harder. She flips him off.

"I was showing you a moment of vulnerability, asshole, don't laugh at me." She says, sending a mock glare at him. A glare all too similar to the real one she gave him this morning when he kicked her car tire.

He just shrugs, "Sorry, I can't help it, nonconsensual snotter." 

They tumble into giggles again and remain like that for a while longer, and Zoe feels all the sadness and anger drain out of her.

"Thanks, Connor," she says softly, too much emotion pours into it and she flinches because she's afraid Connor will say something about it but instead he just shakes his head.

He says, all too quietly, "It's the least I can do." and he means this. He looks at her for a second, eyes unguarded and no longer steely like she's known them for the past few years. "Stop it with the sappy puppy look your giving me, I can't take it, I'm gonna puke." and Zoe laughs and Connor stands up to leave but pauses in the doorway, "You know where I am, if you need," It's hardly an invitation but it's the most she's gotten from Connor in so long and it feels like an accomplishment. Zoe simply beams and nods. And then he's gone, and the door shuts.

(Later that night, when their parents start an argument after dinner when their mom drops a dish, Zoe follows Connor into his room even with her fully charged phone. They don't talk about it. Connor asks if she wants to play mario kart, she says yes, and she lets herself drown in laughter. She doesn't feel alone. She's okay, even if it's just for now.)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! sorry if there are any errors, especially with in characterness
> 
> my twitter is brighteyesphil if u wanna hmu!!


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